When Change is Hard-Part I

Body image is a tricky topic.  Many things in life are tangible.  I look at them, I can see them, touch them, therefore they are real.  My opinion of the object may be good or bad depending on from whom it came and the memory associated with it. But my body, my body is real.  I can see it and touch it.  It experiences joy and pain, it is real.  Yet my opinion of it is dynamic, always moving, morphing and shifting. The poor thing, my body that is, endures an emotional roller coaster, all because of me and my choices.

Mental health plays a huge role in body image for me.  If I am sad, mourning my Dad or unhappy for any reason, I usually have a negative self image.  I started making some dietary changes and a shift in health habits that have not been perfect but gradually and naturally helped me lose 10 pounds over the past 10 months. It was the first time in my life I have lost weight authentically and without effort.  I have found that body image, shape and composition changes with age.  My face has many more wrinkles .  The texture of the skin on my face is not as young as it once was.  My hair is turning grey rather quickly now.

As I age, skin sags more, joints ache and I discover why supplementation is so important.  Cellulite has also become a reason you probably don’t see me in shorts.  Thanks to Ashley Black and her FasciaBlaster tools, I am taking action to remedy that and experience more health as a result.  What I struggle with though is consistency and getting started, in anything. I have found that I am an all or nothing type of gal.  Moderation, while being something I recommend, has definitely not been a strength of mine. 

I enjoy lifting weights.  I started lifting weights for the first time using a trainer after healing from a broken back in 2016 (Jo Radlinger at Jo’s Fitness Garage in Mankato. I highly recommend her!)  It was exceptionally hard.  I was weak, had very little stamina, and struggled with much of the routines. Having been broken, I realized what I wanted after nearly kissing death, was vitality and strength. So I trained with Jo for 30 minutes, twice per week and watched my body transform.  I stopped when my flying schedule became unpredictable years ago. 

Now, here I am flirting with 40, overweight and knowing that not only is my body image perspective unhealthy, but so is my body.  I am not unhealthy in the way that I live on fast food, but my body has been begging for attention and I have been ignoring it.  I am working on consistency with taking the supplements my body needs to be happy, healthy and strong.  I am working on consistency exercising. 

I hate to share this out loud because it makes you all aware that is an aspiration for me and if you continue to see me overweight, you will know that I am over consuming food and not exercising. But that is the point.  I know I am not the only person who feels this way and I promised to be vulnerable with you. As an excerpt here, all of our bodies are in different phases, ages, shapes and sizes.  I am beautiful just the way I am. So are you. I am only saying that I am not healthy and I want to be.  With health will also come a different size.  They come hand-in-hand and I am OK with that.  What I would love is to make the appropriate lifestyle changes that I would release 20 more pounds from my body, not taking into account the weight of the muscle I am gaining, eat well, meal plan better and be consistent. 

I have a lot of dietary limitations.  First, I have Celiac Disease.  If I eat gluten, or food that has come in contact with gluten, I feel badly and it slowly flattens the villi in my small intestine leading to malabsorption of nutrients from food.  If I, or my daughter are not careful about avoiding gluten, arthritis, osteoporosis, bone loss, tons of other unenjoyable symptoms and early death are what we can look forward to.  Celiac Disease is responsible for much of the inexplicable health problems people have gotten used to but can’t identify.  It is wildly under diagnosed.  Anyway, I can’t eat bread, wheat or gluten of any kind.  One of the delights that usually accompany Celiac Disease is lactose intolerance, so yep, dairy makes me feel awful and bloated. Over the last six months I have also mostly cut out meat (the scary word you are thinking is vegan).  If you are curious about my choices on this one, I highly recommend watching the documentary called The Game Changers.  You can find where to stream it at www.gamechangersmovie.com.  It is such a good movie and easy to watch.

Now if meat-free, dairy-free and gluten-free weren’t enough, I also decided to let go of caffeine and alcohol.  Caffeine was because it was running my body and I did not like how little control I had of my energy. I cut that out about a year and a half ago and despite that I only drank one cup of coffee a day on average, the detox was horrible. The first week I could do almost nothing and the lingering effects lasted three weeks. Thank goodness I was not flying that week. Alcohol though was a more recent choice, around April 2022, that stemmed from mental health.

Let’s talk about mental health for a minute, or five.  I did not realize it until well into my 30’s, but my mental health can fluctuate and is something for me to keep tabs on. It has been this way since I was a child and fed into body image dysmorphia and how I viewed myself.  I am a very high functioning human being.  My mom says, and I just love this because of it’s truth, “Aura, high performance equals high maintenence.” She does not mean that I am a high maintenence friend, in fact, I am the opposite.  She means that if I am going to be going out doing what I do in the world, I better be taking my supplements to support my body, exercising to support my overall health, seeing my therapist to stay straight with my mental health, eating well, loving on people and allowing my faith to guide me.  

So, my thought around alcohol was, depressed people drink a lot and people who drink lose control of their desires to eat well, be their best self etc. I wondered if cutting out alcohol would regulate how much I got sad about losing my Dad.  I wondered if I didn’t drink at all, if I would level the ups and downs of my mental health journey and experience more consistency with my moods.  The answer is, yes.  All of it.  I am content and happy, more consistently, more often.  I have more control over all of my decisions.  I used to drink one beverage maybe once per week.  Then during COVID, Chris and I accidentally turned one beverage per evening into a habit.  

The firsts were hard.  First night not grabbing a Truly. First party when everyone was drinking but me. First time on a layover after a hard day, not having a glass of wine at dinner. But eventually there were no more firsts and I started feeling the difference both physically and mentally. The sober-curious movement is real.  I think any reason to be sober is a good reason.  I used to need a drink to loosen up and become more social.  Now, I consciously become more present in conversations so I can loosen up without the drink. Besides, mocktails are delicious.

Change is hard. I am as guilty as the next person why I did not reach for health sooner or again.  But I want it now.  My Dad died young because he didn’t have it and on his death bed I know for a fact he did not want to leave us but the state of his health gave him no choice.

You know what is really hard now that I am taking steps to become healthier? The doing.  I am following a 5-day per week weight lifting program.  I can take my computer into any gym whether it is my home gym or on the road while I am working, and I can lift weights and elevate my heart rate.  As of today, I am on week 2, day 2.  What is hard is the fact that sometimes I am not able to do every activity as well as I would like, or I need to modify it because I am not strong enough yet. Yet.  Normally that would make me want to quit. Actually it does make me want to quit.  But I am not going to and neither should you.  Because what you and I have to accomplish in this beautiful life, it matters.  I have lives to change, people to help and love, things to do that matter.  They may be small, but they matter.

Yes, change is hard. But high performance people are high maintenence.  So I am going to keep on keeping on.  I invite you to join me.  We can do hard things together.